Louisiana Lawsons

As I drove to work this morning I was overwhelmed with disappointment, sadness, worry and any other negative overwhelming feeling you could think. Most of my worry was derived from the presidential election results. I didn’t want our current president to be reelected for various reasons which at the core boil down to my own belief in my Heavenly Father above and his lack of a Christian God and his stance on abortion that I disagree with wholeheartedly. Needless to say, my morning wasn’t going great. I was in a state of complete shock. For weeks I had feared the election would go this way and yet I watched it happen in disbelief and dismay. How can this be!??! On my drive to work the stress of it all was beginning to overwhelm me and I could feel the weight of the world (in my most dramatic of self induced panic attack situations) on my shoulders. I don’t revel in uncertainty and with the many changes that our president has put into action it’s all I feel as of late. Imagine my surprise when on my pandora there began to play, “If You Could Hie to Kolob”

http://youtu.be/DfAZ7CZQ748

(A link to one of many videos on youtube of the song)

As that song began to play I experienced immediate peace and calm. I also broke out in a wicked case of goosebumps. Obviously that probably sounds weird to most of you..I mean since when do goosebumps=awesome?! In my family goosebumps usually happen when my father, mother, or sister are so touched by something that they experience a physical reaction to the spirit that they feel. It’s sort of like a slow clap to being spiritually moved. My family gets goosebumps all the time when powerful things happen and I’m left to look at them..nod..and say that’s cool :P I always sit and wonder why I have to be such an emotionless weirdo who doesn’t feel the power of the Lord in the same way that they do. However, this morning I totally did. While listening to the beautiful and powerful words of “If You Could Hie to Kolob” I was overcome with goosebumps and a reassurance that our Heavenly Father, as usual, is there and will see us through the rest of time. Four years more of Obama..so what? I have no doubt that my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ can handle it. I woke up in a state of worry and panic that all left when I heard those inspired and true words. I know we’ll be okay as long as we continue to have faith in the person who truly leads this country. And I feel much better knowing that I can break out in a wicked case of goosebumps when I truly need it :) In the end we all just need to focus on ourselves and our families in an effort to constantly progress and get better each day and closer to our Heavenly Father. That’s all that really matters! So I plan to focus on what’s really important..my amazing husband, my family, the scriptures, prayer, and anything virtuous, lovely, of good report or praiseworthy..I’m seeking it!

So, last night as I waited in bed for sleep to come I was overcome by all these thoughts and memories of my dear little darling niece. Honestly, since she left I’ve lost track of time and I’ve been truly heartbroken inside without any real way to express it outwardly without getting really upset. Tonight my main goal is to write out a lot of what I’ve been thinking about in hopes that I’ll remember the good times and stop focusing so much on the fact that she’s gone, I have no control over what she’s doing, I can’t protect her and that no matter how much I miss her the relationship my family has with her might never be the same again. In truth all time spent with Laynie is enjoyable and rewarding regardless of how sleepy you are, how cranky she is, or any other seemingly inconvenient situations. That kid is an angel. It has always amazed me how Heavenly Father was able to take a very sad situation and bring forth a miracle. I’ll never forget how crappy the circumstances were surrounding her birth. Countless times I hoped and prayed that in the end the child would be put up for adoption so that parents who could care for her, had prepared for her, and who wouldn’t bring her up in a world of drugs would raise her. However, life never goes as we hope and Laynie was born into a strange world with a very different family unit. The day we saw her in the hospital I knew that I could never wish that she had been put up for adoption again, she was perfect and I loved her completely. Once I met my niece I became overwhelmed by the love I felt towards her, it was weird. I had felt sibling love and understood the bond I felt with my brothers and sister but I had grown and lived with them my entire life. The bond I felt with Laynie was immediate and this kid couldn’t even talk yet! While Laynie is in Pennsylvania I can’t help but think back to the many funny things she does..for instance: The way she shouts “LUHH YOUU” when you tell her you love her..The way she dances to any music or beat..The way she’d only sleep on rough nights if you sang her “Jesus wants me for a sunbeam” or played some David Archuleta for her..The way she always says “chockadd” in an effort to convince you to share your sweets with her..The way she says “phone phone” and immediately reaches into my purse to play with my cell phone..The way she giggles when she sees you..The way she loved to be picked up from her feet and hung upside down..The way she bangs on the door when Pops and Beebs are napping then laughs and runs away..The way she repeats what you say like a little parrot..The way she thinks glasses are the best thing to rip off someone’s face..The way she gives kisses..The way she rips all the magnets off my fridge when she comes to visit and so many more..Gosh, I miss her. In the end I just hope and pray that she is safe and being taken care of and that she comes home soon..like yesterday..because I miss the Bug a whole heck of a lot. 

I have a history final tomorrow and yet I’m sitting in bed, writing this blog, and watching Babe:Pig in City or something like that. I can’t seem to concentrate on my classes, especially history. It’s a shame too because I used to love history! Oh well..so lately Jonathan and I haven’t had much going on. We still have a trailer that we can’t seem to get moved..quite annoying. He’s still working nights, exhausting. I’m still in school which is just lame. I think that’s about it. Oh, and we’re still very happy! And I did not realize how darn sad this movie is..gosh it’s breaking my heart! But yeah I don’t know what I’m going to do, I really dislike school. Sure, I only have two semesters left until I graduate but this is unraveling all my plans, I was going to graduate school..notice I said WAS. I just don’t know that I can go on to graduate school, I’m not that much of a masochist! Then, if I don’t go on to grad school I need to figure out what I’m going to do once I’ve finished with undergrad. Having to choose a career of some sort terrifies me. How do you know what to do once you’re out of college? Most students I’m sure go into school knowing that once they graduate they will move on to a career, I went into school planning on doing more school. That’s what I get for planning I guess. Hopefully when the time comes I’ll have devised some sort of plan to work?! At least I have my wonderful understanding and supportive husband and family. Even if I drift for a while I know they’ll be okay with it because they love me :) Then there’s the baby thing..do I want to have a baby when I graduate? Am I ready to raise a child? I constantly worry that I’m not cut out for it. Shouldn’t a mother not be a total space cadet?! This is why I can’t study, too much on my mind to think about boring history. Perhaps I should just get down on my knees and ask Heavenly Father to help me figure it all out in time without having a stress induced melt-down. Here’s to hoping!

I had a ridiculously lovely day! What began as a day of sleep deprivation and potential chaos quickly became a day of good times and memories. After not sleeping well thanks to idiotic siblings I woke up early to spend some time with my niece, Laynie. Jonathan helped watch the baby while I got ready to go to Hancocks to look at some fabric with DeAnna. We said goodbye to J-man and headed to Baton Rouge to rescue Dee from the mall where I suppose the excitement of spending the day with me caused her to lock her keys in the car :P Dee and I jumped back and forth between the fabric store, mom’s work, CVS, the mall, and the fabric store again to run the errands we had in mind. Throughout this entire excursion Laynie Bug was running a fever, thanks to teething, but managed to keep a smile on her face. Dee and I then parted ways so that I could go with Tracy, my visiting teaching companion, to deliver a birthday gift. Then I returned home to rest and help tend to the sick little Bug. In spite of the craziness it was a very fun and eventful day. I really enjoyed spending time with friends and family. The only downside being that my husband was too tired to spend much time awake (poor J-man)! I guess I just wanted to share this poorly written rant in an effort to express my love and appreciation to all the wonderful people in my life. Jonathan and I have such a strong support system that no matter what is happening in our life we always seem to have someone to help pick up the pieces, what a huge blessing! So thank you to all you guardian angels out there who are always checking on us and making sure that life is going well, we love and appreciate you and hope someday to do the same.

Lately I’ve been having a lot of stresses dealing with school, home, and everything in between. Each day I try to wake up and be positive but by the end of the day I’m ready to just call it quits. I’m not sure why the whole senior year is having such a horrible effect on me but school has almost been unbearable. Then, to make things even better we still don’t have our trailer moved. We’re planning on taking matters into our own hands in order to get all things detached from the trailer so we can FINALLY move it. It will be lovely to be in our own place where there aren’t idiots aka brothers pacing and being loud at all hours of the night! You wouldn’t believe the kind of toll that takes on your overall performance in life. But in spite of it all I’ve got my wonderful husband to help cheer me on, support me, and help me to make the right decisions. This morning he got me to get out of bed for my ethics class, no easy feat when the teacher doesn’t take role and it starts at 8 am. He also lets me know when I need to relax and will leave at a moments notice if I just need to get out of the house. His support is one of the reasons I married him and how I know each and every day that we’re great for one another. Another thing that helps me get through this time of stresses is music. I’ve been listening to a lot of glee mixes, which are amazing and one in particular has given me solace these past weeks. I used to listen to the Judy Garland version when I was younger but I think Glee cast does an amazing job covering it. And here it is..

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking 
When there are clouds, in the sky, you’ll get by
If you smile, through your fear and sorrow
Smile, and there’ll be tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
If you’ll….
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear, may be ever so near,
That’s the time, you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile, 
If you’ll just….
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear, may be ever so near,
That’s the time, you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile, 
If you’ll just….
Smile

So that’s my goal..smile or just have fun with my Moose :)